Waiting to Exhale

Giving myself permission to let go

It almost seems like I've been holding my breath for a long time, hell, it almost seems like I've been holding my breath my entire life. As a black woman, independence and self-reliance have generally been at the forefront of my life. Let me be clear: there is nothing wrong with practicing independence and self-sufficiency; however, I'm learning everything within a healthy balance. I've always carried a lot, even taking on things that had nothing to do with me, sometimes being a magnet for other people, their thoughts, and their baggage. I recently decided to let it all go.

My entire life, I have seen almost all the women in my life carry what seems like the world's weight on their shoulders without the expectation of relief. It was and has always been accepted as the "Black woman's experience,” and because it has been my experience for so long, I now understand and desire to create a different experience for myself and my beautiful brown little girls. Often, we wait on something or someone outside of ourselves to assist or provide some relief; however, this is our responsibility.

Responsibility comes with great accountability and introspection, three areas most humans prefer to avoid exploring. If you look at the word "Responsibility," you will hopefully notice the root word "Responsible," and if broken down further, you will see the word "Respond." I must be responsible for myself and respond to my needs and desires. If I request people to handle me with care, I must first provide that to myself. If I know there are things, people, and thought processes that do not serve my highest good or add value to my life, why would I put the responsibility on someone else to decide? When responding to my needs and desires, I must also grant myself permission to do so. In doing so, it involves completely letting go. Letting go of relationships, thought processes, old identities, and other people's shit that no longer resonate with who I am today.

I have entered a new chapter in my life, and I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge that I am scared shitless! The unknown is typically scary for me, but I move intentionally, authentically, and graciously, knowing the divine always has my best interest at heart. I've been waiting to exhale for the longest time, not knowing that I could have done it all along. Several weeks ago, I responded to my inner child, and she just needed to let go and exhale, and I permitted her to do so. It was an exhilarating experience, and I felt a sense of relaxation, relief, and freedom. There is so much freedom in letting go. Cheers to a new chapter; something tells me this will be one of the most exciting chapters ever written!

As always, the divine in me recognizes the divine in you!

-Keyanna

I'd love to hear from you all: What am I holding on to that no longer feels good?