Traveling Back in Time

Releasing the Pains from the Past

Feb 11, 2025

The last couple of weeks have been emotional, not in the sense of sadness or anything like that, but more so, experiencing something similar to an emotional roller coaster ride. Going up and down and all around, twisting and turning, and screaming ready to get off; all while asking myself, “Why the hell did I even get on this ride to begin with?” Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself. I know I have too, as I have been known to do things for the thrill and quickly wanting to get off; however, the decision and commitment were already made the moment the harness locked me in. When that harness locks you in, I’m like, “Oh, shit! What did I do?” By this time, the ride is already moving and there is no choice but to take the ride. Nevertheless, with all the twists and turns, eyes clenching together, and stomach in knots, I realized this unexpected ride was necessary for my next chapter.

Guilt is a heavy emotion to carry. It has the potential to weigh you down like a ton of bricks; it’s heavy and if you’re not careful, it will break you. Just in the last two weeks, I’ve learned that guilt can also be sneaky, like a thief in the night, lurking in the shadows, sometimes waiting on the most convenient time to jump out and attack. This is what I experienced; I had no idea it even existed. The best part about the guilt rearing its ugly head is I managed to free a version of myself who had been in captivity for almost 21 years.

The summer of 2003 was one of the most memorable summers I had ever had, and it was also one of the most life-changing. I hung in a group of mainly males, and there were just a few of us females; however, at the time we all had a mutual love, respect, and understanding for one another. But most importantly, we all knew a secret that had the potential to ruin us all. If nothing else, we stuck together knowing it was the only way we would make it through. After a few months, things took an unexpected twist. Never in a million years did I ever think that at 17 years old I would be visiting a state prison to see my boyfriend.

At 17 years old, I was conducting myself as a grown woman. I supported him the best way I knew how. I made sure money was on the books, that he could call home, we wrote often, and I would drive down to the prison or catch a ride with his mother as often as possible. Most of all, I stayed loyal in every way. I was scared and I knew he was petrified. Hell, we all were. We had no idea how it was going to end. Unfortunately, almost 2 years later; the verdict came in and we were all crushed. Literally! He was sentenced to 70 years. By this time, I had committed myself for close to 4 years to a young man that I had hopes of one day marrying. Teenagers, right? I was heartbroken, and as a young lady, I had no clue how to move past such a traumatic experience. A few months later, I decided there was no point in remaining in Illinois as I needed a different environment. This is the moment, the guilt started to seep in.

Byron and Keyanna in 2003 (Woodhill Days)

I struggled for months to leave, and of course, he was always at the forefront of my mind. Although he wasn’t physically out of prison, I felt the guilt of leaving him, but I also knew I needed to continue with my life. He was convicted in February 2006, and I moved to Atlanta a few short months later. I needed a new start. Furthermore, I felt like God was calling me to something so much higher than myself and I had no choice in the matter. When I arrived in Atlanta, I continued to write and speak to him frequently. I still wasn’t quite ready to move on. Eventually, a couple of years later I met my former husband, and of course, out of respect for him, I stopped all communication with that young man that was the love of my teenage life. Now and then, when I visited home, someone would tell me he asked about me or coincidentally he would call someone’s phone and I was able to speak to him. When I decided to pick up and leave that was the first whammy, and when I stopped all communication with him that was a double whammy. I felt guilty because I convinced myself I had abandoned him. He had been so humble and understanding and had never made me feel a way of moving on with my life. We tend to tell ourselves stories that aren’t even true.

Appeals court ruling gives hope for new trial in 2003 Bloomington murder | WJBC AM 1230

On January 29, 2025, he was granted parole and finally released. After 21 years, he was able to walk out not as inmate R32339, but as a man, a free man! Believe it or not, his getting free, permitted me to free myself. I would’ve never known I was harboring guilt if he hadn’t gotten released. It forced me to travel back to the past. To acknowledge the things that did happen and to be okay with the things that didn’t. Extending grace and compassion to the 17-year-old version of myself, and letting her know she did everything she thought she should do and could do. Overcoming guilt is about telling the truth. It’s about practicing acknowledgment, compassion, and forgiveness to and for self.

In closing, with tears in my eyes, I am extremely grateful that you got free Ralph! None of us will ever understand the burden you’ve carried for so long. You took one for the team and stood ten toes down when others barely stood on one for you. You’ve missed out on a lot of life, but I’m sure you’ve gained wisdom, patience, love, and understanding, which are all priceless principles. The world is your oyster, and I believe that you will make the best out of this second chance at life. There’s no better person to do it, than you! G, you are the one! My 17-year-old self loved who you were and at almost 40, I’m excited to see who you will become!!! Welcome home!

To the squad, I hope you all get FREE! Free in all ways you can be free, simply because you are deserving. I’m sure we all can agree we’ve all placed ourselves in self-imposed prisons, and we are the only ones who can unlock it and set ourselves free. It starts with seeking the truth, speaking the truth, and ultimately becoming the truth! It’s been a long 21 years and although I may not speak to each one of you on a daily or even often, please understand it’s always love! Let us never forget, “IT’S SQUAD UP FA LIFE!”

This is just a glimpse of the squad. Missing so many photos….SQ!!!