For the last several weeks, I have been in unfamiliar territory that has sent me down a deep, confusing rabbit hole. Being in the hole has made me feel emotionally unstable, imbalanced, unsure of myself, not to mention mentally exhausted. I've always struggled with these moments as they challenge me to practice vulnerability and compassion with myself. Furthermore, they challenge me to chisel away at the false idea of perfectionism.
Being in the rabbit hole has forced me to recall specific childhood memories, memories that have me questioning how I currently show up in the world. Being one of three children and the middle child, I found finding my place and voice challenging. I remember being extremely quiet, shy, and observant in my early childhood years. I almost recall being damn near mute for a short period and receiving specialized services to help with my communication. So many questions are coming up for me, but the most pressing is, why did I feel the need to silence my voice? I must be okay with the possibility of never receiving an answer but understand the importance of acknowledging and having compassion for the little girl in me.
Somewhere in life, the little girl in me didn't feel safe enough to speak, and lately, she's been screaming at me. She's screaming because, all these years, she wasn't nurtured, validated, or given permission to speak. Just in writing this, I have received the answer to the pressing question: "Why did I feel the need to silence my voice?" I felt the need to silence my voice because I had made an agreement, a mental contract with myself that people didn’t care about how I felt or what I had to say; therefore, I repressed and restrained her. I have practiced this belief for so long that lately, I've noticed when I desire to speak my authentic truth, the fear of rejection and abandonment permeates my being.
A huge part of healing comes with a lot of awareness. I've become very self-aware of my thoughts, behaviors, and habits, which helps me tackle unconscious beliefs that do not serve me. I created a harmful narrative in my mind that became a firm belief. I practiced self-silencing, also known as learned voicelessness, a form of self-abandonment. As you can see, healing also requires accountability and speaking the truth. At this point, I'm being called to reclaim my voice and stay committed to using and honoring it.
This healing journey is not for the weak-hearted. The journey is full of ups and downs, and I'm learning to flow even when it feels uncomfortable. Healing is painfully beautiful, and I'm thankful that each time I decide to speak the truth, hold myself accountable, honor myself, and ultimately choose me, I'm one step closer to wholeness and three steps closer to my divine nature: LOVE! Love and vulnerability are the perfect pair; having one without the other is impossible. Because of love, I have reclaimed my voice. I will use it to speak my authentic truth. My hope is that you will do the same. Go ahead and free yourself! You're worthy!
As always, the divine in me recognizes the divine in you!
-Keyanna
Our voice is a superpower!